Now what?

Home again...it's a good thing. It's not the place it once was, but I knew that already--being away for so long does that. Now it's time to get a job, or so I'm told. I'm having a hard time getting into it; I feel like, since what I really want to do is write books, anything else is nigh-equivilent to a waste of time, since I'd be planning on leaving from the start, and that doesn't sit well with me. Moreover, a heavy sense of apathy has settled over me for the moment; I'd rather take life slow for a little while, but that hasn't been an option in a long time, and I don't know why I feel like it should be now. I at least have a resume in with a firm in town, but I know one resume at one place doesn't cut it.

I need to pray about getting a better attitude about this; God made humans to do useful things after all--not to lump around in search of the next form of entertainment...I am happy right now, but I know I am not content. Each day is too fragmented, part of only itself; I lack a thread to pursue from day to day at the moment. I would start my next book if I wasn't supposed to be getting a job...that in itself is frustrating, having the proto-manuscript floating around in my mind and knowing I don't have the month or two of uninterrupted time I would need to commit it to solidarity in the computer. But for the moment, I need to pursue God's will for me...which is something I think I've been lax in for some time.

It's time to work.

it's over!

That's it. Walked this morning...no diploma yet, but I'll get it as soon as grades are in for the Senior Design stuff. I'll post some thoughts and stuff later...I'm kinda trying to pack all up, which is generating a disturbing number of boxes. But I'll make it.

I'm pretty sure I missed a fair number of goodbyes, and for that I'm sincerely sorry. Once moving out starts it's hard to make sure other things happen too. I'll be trying to catch up with some people soon, though.

Love you all, let's keep in touch.

Good Game

Mechatronics final is done...and I think I win at College.

It's all God's doing yo

poke...

Closer, closer. I'm trying really hard right now to re-learn all of mechatronics in two days...I've never been so hot at studying, but I think I can at least do this much. Mechatronics, as it turns out, is my only graded final to take (because of exemptions), so at least there's not much in the way of other schoolwork to distract me. Unfortunately, there's plenty of distractions besides that, but they were always there.

Jordan's leaving tomorrow afternoon. I guess he will just be pulled from my life a little sooner than everyone else. I started spinning a spiderweb as soon as I got here, little lines strung to so many people, places, things to do, and most of it is going to be shredded as the Gregg County to Dallas connecting flight leaves the pavement on Sunday. Will I ever be in a place again where I'm so connected to so many people in this way? A more disturbing question is, will I feel particularly upset if I never do? Already over the past year I've been distancing myself from a lot of people, not consciously I guess, but I think I do know why, and hopefully I will regain my footing in this regard.

The reason, I believe, is that I totally burned out on putting time and effort into relationships last fall. There's a specific incident in mind there, of course, but in general terms, I finally realized that I'd misdirected my social focus in a way that hurt me and some other people a good deal, and read my own desires into a situation where they didn't belong, so I tried to put a few things right. I felt so good afterward because I was finally able to stop worrying all the time that I rebounded emotionally almost immediately. But I think I lost something in the process, which was a lot of commitment in the rest of my relationships.

Pursuing other relationships, and nurturing ones I'd started, suddenly seemed so much less deserving of the expenditure of effort. It may be a while before I really realize the opportunities I let pass me by this past year. And here I stand, on the brink of another ripping transition, about to be pulled away from so many people--many of whom I know I'll never see again, talk to again. So many relationships, so much time, and for what, in the end? Memories I'll lose? I think I long for permanance that I neither work for nor deserve. I know my contact with the lives of others, and theirs with mine, is all just part of God's great scheme; influences and learning experiences and memories intertwining.

I guess all I really mean is that I'm going to miss everyone. A lot.

I think I need a change of pace, though. It's time. Something different, somewhere different, not anything nuts, but I need to get my head out of Texas and back in the game.